


Tsunami

by gingerchangeling



Series: Disasters [1]
Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-12
Updated: 2017-01-12
Packaged: 2018-09-17 02:04:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,333
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9299300
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gingerchangeling/pseuds/gingerchangeling
Summary: All it takes is one shift in the foundations to create an insurmountable wave. All that can be done is to try and tread the water for as long as possible. And sometimes the easiest way to stay afloat is to drown in something else.





	

                He winced as he shifted, feeling the leather straps rub the raw skin of his shoulder even more deeply. For the first time in decades, his brace was cutting into his skin, rubbing him raw in some spots deeply enough to draw blood. He had been hard at work on the _Jolly Roger_ all day, newly returned to him as she was. He had stepped aboard and felt the whole ship tremble with relief at his familiar weight. The ache in his chest as he found new scars in her deck and rails filled him with a sense of near hopelessness. If he couldn't protect his fist love, his patron, his truest companion from pain and darkness, how could he hope to protect those he had grown to care about even more?

                He had spent the rest of the day pouring out his gratitude for her into every grain and knot in her wood, trying to find the peace he so often felt in the rigging and sails, with the sea singing to  him as he worked. But instead his mind followed a darker path, remembering every drop of blood that had stained the decks below his feet , enemies and crewmen alike, those who had dared to challenge his free will. Trying to erase the stain of powerlessness that still seemed to haunt her decks, in the shadowy forms of his brother and of _her._

                And as he felt _her_ memory dogging his steps, he had to face the fact that his belief in theirs being a true love was false. It wasn't. He understood that now. True love isn't love given in the hopes of obligating a return, or demanding repayment for what is offered. No, true love is strength and dedication offered freely with no strings attached. To not only be willing to give everything without return, but equally as willing to earn anything offered. It is the impetus for change within someone that isn't an attempt to earn their affections, but simply to be what you would wish for them to have, even if it could never be you. Like the planets revolving around the sun, taking what light she offered and making new life with it, all without demanding she be moved from her spot, but rather choosing to be held in her pull. And what made it true was finding someone who gave such devotion back.

                His love for _her_ had not been that. It had been two people using each other to escape their demons, one dead and one living. But it made him wonder, now, standing at the prow of his ship, looking out over the setting sky, if that made his love for _her_ and _hers_ for him false, any less valid, because it wasn't true. Did the fact that _she_ had died with those words on _her_ lips mean anything?

                At that thought, he shivered, a darkness he had long caged away in the back of his mind starting to seep out. He felt the leather bite into the skin of his shoulder again, and he brought a hand up to tug at the straps through the material of his shirt, having long since discarded his leather armor while he worked. He had no need of it on her decks. His sweet girl knew him better than any person could, his blood, sweat, and tears having bathed her decks for near three centuries.

                At the motion, the pressure on his scarred wrist under his brace increased and he felt a lace of pain. He gave a frustrated growl, knowing that he would have to spend several days treating the cursed stump to reducing the irritation and swelling, even after all the long years since it had happened. He could feel the anger, the indignation growing as the shadows in his mind lengthened.

                How could he hope to earn her love if he was so scared? What woman could desire an incomplete man? After all the hate he had carried in his life, how could someone who willingly let the pain roll off her shoulders in favor of saving everyone willingly take what paltry amount he could offer?

                Perhaps it was just pity. He had seen it in the eyes of her parents when she would offer affection, the eyes of the town folk when they saw her with him. And with that thought, rage blossomed again in his chest. In the back of his mind, he knew he was being unreasonable, and that she had never given him cause to doubt her, but the only thing that voice could do was insist he stay put on the ship and not inflict his gathering darkness on the town, or on her.

                He felt another twinge under the leather of his brace, and in a rage he began to claw at it, cursing the damn thing, letting his fingernails dig deeply into his skin with every scratch, finding a perverse satisfaction in the burning sting that it caused on his chest, above his heart.

                So he was completely startled when he felt two hands press into his shoulder blades, and her soft voice whispering, "Please stop."

                He froze, nails still digging into the skin above his heart, trying to dig out the ache he always felt there. He could feel the warmth of her hands through the thin fabric of his shirt, and it was only then that he registered how cold the air had become as night had fallen, and he shivered. Her hands pushed a little more firmly into his back, like she was trying to push inside him.

                "Let me take you inside," she murmured, no louder than before. He bristled in anger at her words, commanding him, even though he knew it was just a request, one she needn't have asked, given she could have just magically transported them without giving him a choice.

                "Whatever my lady commands," he snarled bitterly, hand clenching, digging his nails deeper because the ache just would not fade.

                "Then you would be happy," she whispered.

                He sucked in a breath, unable to stop the tremble that passes through him at her words. His breath grew tight and he dug his nails in once again, trying to free his chest from the ache, trying to focus. Trying. Trying.          

                "Please, come below with me," she asked again, softly. He barely heard it through the ringing in his ears , but he managed to choke out a harsh laugh.

                "I'm not good company at the moment, I'm afraid, love."

                "I know."

                He took another shuddering breath, still hearing the blood roaring in his veins, the darkness, whispering that she was just taking pity on him. His worthless corpse. But the small presence of mind he still had left managed to jerk his head into a brief nod. He felt her magic wrap around him, and for just a moment, his mind was calm, his heart was still, and his soul was quiet. Then he saw his cabin materialize around them as her magic dissipated and in the same span of time, the shadows within him returned.

                His hand was still clutching at his chest and he again dug in his nails as the ringing in his ears resumed. He could feel his breath speeding up. He felt her pressing against his back still and his rage suddenly found the perfect outlet. And before he could temper himself, he was spinning around, smacking her hands harshly away from him.

                "Don't fucking touch me," he spat. "I don't want your pity. I'm fine on my own. Just go back the people who can love you properly. Leave me alone!"

                Her face was shocked for a moment, looking up at him with wide eyes. And when he looked deeply, for just a moment, he saw fear. It was just a flash, a reaction to his raised voice and tone, not to him, but it was enough.

                "Are you afraid of me love, huh?" he sneered, stepping up to her, his hand coming up to clutch at his chest as his breathing continued to increase, making her eyes flick downward to the fresh scratches. "Afraid of the black hearted pirate? The villain? I know you are." He crowded into her space, forcing her face up, using his physical presence to back up the threat lacing through his words.

                But when her eyes met his again, he saw no fear. Instead, a sort of angry stubbornness narrowed her eyes and thinned her lips. Her eyebrow crawled up her forehead, seeming to accept a challenge he didn't know he'd offered.

                And the next moment, she moved, shoving him backward. The movement was so unexpected that he stumbled back, legs catching on the edge of the bed, forcing him into an ungraceful seat, hand leaving his chest to steady himself. He was a fraction of a second from regaining his feet, but she was too quick, moving up to straddle his thighs and plopping down unceremoniously onto his lap, removing any leverage he had to stand.

                He went to snarl at her, but before he could lose any words from his tongue, her hand came up and grabbed his jaw, forcing him to meet her eyes.

                "Where are you hurting?" she asked quietly, eyes boring into his.

                His fury suddenly died out, faced with her gentle eyes. His breathing got harder and harder, like he couldn't suck enough air into his lungs. He felt the sharp pain in his chest again, the ache spreading out from his heart. He started to bring his hand up to his chest, but before he could dig his nails into his skin again, he felt her small, soft hand slide into place above his heart.

                His breathing grew even worse as his hand finished its journey, gripping her slender fingers instead. He was gasping, eyes locked on hers, feeling reality start to slide sideways.

                "Please," he managed to beg, his body beginning to tremble. "I can't... Please, I need... Please.." He wasn't sure what he was begging for, but his hand tightened mercilessly around hers as his whole body rebelled against him, even as his mind swam in darkness. Weak. Pitiful. Powerless.  He couldn't breathe.

                "Shhh," she whispered quietly, the hand holding his jaw moving to caress his cheek, as the fingers under her hand clenched slightly, digging the tips into his abused flesh. Then she leaned forward to press her lips to his gasping mouth. As they connected, he started to feel warmth under his skin seeping into his chest.

                He pulled back from her lips with a strangled gasp, choking on his feeble breaths, as he felt the sharp pain of the scratches on his chest fade, and the warmth sink deeper. He could feel this warmth, coiling in the ache in his chest, like the satisfying first sip of a hot drink on a cold night, one that burns slightly but refreshes and enlivens at the same time.

                He was still gasping on his breath, eyes open wide, barely seeing her soft face in front of him, but the warmth in his chest began to spread outward, and every tendril of muscle it filtered through almost forcefully relaxed, making him let out a quiet moan of pleasant discomfort as all the strain in the base of his neck faded away. The warmth sank into his lungs, and suddenly he could pull air all the way down into his chest, and he began gasping for air like a man saved from drowning.

                "Relax for me," she whispered, pushing a little more forcefully on his chest, guiding his back to the small bunk behind him. He followed, helpless to resist her.

                The warmth from her fingertips continued to spread throughout his body, relaxing his neck and chest, arms and waist, until he felt it slowly trickle down into his legs and feet, until his entire body felt completely loose, and he was taking deep ragged breaths, while the shaking that had made his limbs tremble faded away.

                "There we go," she murmured just above his lips, her face still hazy to his eyes. "Let go for me. Just relax and let go."

                His eyes slid shut as her lips pressed to his once again. He wanted to kiss her, hold her, but the warmth that was soaking into his body just felt too good.

                Then she whispered against his lips, "I'm going to help you clean up. Just let me help you."

                He couldn't even manage a nod, but he finally got his breathing under control, sucking in a slow deep breath before letting it out on a sigh, which she must have taken as an affirmative.  He felt her magic begin to stir around him again, filling him with the same sense of perfect calm that he had experience when she had brought him into the cabin. 

                As it dissipated, the calm again faded away and  her hand pulled away, taking the warmth in his body with it. His body immediately started to shake again, and his breath started to pick up again as his chest tightened. In the haze on his mind he realized two things, his brace was still cutting harshly into the skin of his shoulder, and aside from his brace, he was completely bare in the warm confines of the cabin.

                His eyes fluttered open as panic gripped him. The same darkness in his mind was whispering that she had exposed his deformity and fled in horror. And while he knew she never would do that he couldn't help his reaction. His breath got shorter again as he felt his lungs close up, and his hand crept up to grab at the void in chest again as he struggled to sit up.

                But even as he managed to raise his head, she reappeared in his field of vision, coming to stand above him with a gentle smile and what looked like a warm cloth.

                "Shhh," she murmured, gently pushing his shoulder back down onto the bed. He fell back, still digging his finger nails into his chest, trying to dig the darkness out. He watched her move up onto the bed, kneeling over him, and the hand on his shoulder slid down to grip his wrist, gently pulling his hand away from his skin.

                Again, thoughts of pity and disfigurement ran rampant through his mind, but when she looked down at him and softly smiled, he knew that he was completely wrong, despite the swirling darkness in his thoughts telling him differently. But he still couldn't seem to draw enough breath into his lungs and he lay their gasping at her, feeling the sensation of reality sliding away from him again.

                She bent over, trailing here fingers back up his arm to his face, gently cupping his chin to press a soft kiss to his gasping lips, while her other hand, having dropped the cloth on the bed, slid up to press gently against his heart again.

                "Is this where it hurts?" she whispered quietly, her face hovering just above his own, eyes trying to see inside him. He couldn't look away from her gentle and open eyes, but he couldn't make himself answer her either. But she seemed to understand his answer anyway, for a moment later she slid her other hand down to his chest, pressing him down lightly into the mattress, before she sat back enough to bring her lips to the center of his chest.

                Against his will, he screamed hoarsely at the sensation that blazed through him at the touch of her lips to his flesh. From the point where her lips met his skin, it felt like every muscle in his body was suddenly released, the same sort of pain that came from the forceful stretching of a cramped muscle, except within very fiber of his being.

                A moment later, he felt a soothing cool seep into him, like a wet cloth on a hot summer's day, but deep within him. A sigh followed  as the cool soothed away the tightness in his lungs and the shaking in his limbs, and against his will, his eyes fluttered shut again. Then he felt her hands move to the straps on his chest. He felt like he should protest, prevent her from seeing his ugly deformity, the physical manifestation of the corruption of his soul, but he could not muster the will to open his eyes, let alone move his limbs.

                Slowly, but with sure movements, he felt her undo the buckles that fastened the brace to his chest, gently tugging at the leather to pull it out from underneath his prone form. He felt a sharp pang as the leather dragged on the raw spots as it moved, but she managed to pull it free quickly. Then she set about unclasping the buckles that held the brace to his arm. She never spoke, and the cool sensation lingered under his skin, keeping his breathing even and the shaking from recapturing his limbs.

                But as her hands gently worked to free his arm from the leather, he felt his anger swell up. How dare she immobilize him? His freedom, his will. How could she violate him? And as she finished with the last of the braces, the fury from minutes prior was back in full force, and the cool feeling that had been so soothing suddenly turned sharp, stinging every nerve ending in his body, and renewing the trembling with a vengeance. The pain focused itself into the raw skin now exposed to the air of the cabin.

                And with a suddenness that terrified him, his lungs refused to cooperate with his will, and his body stopped drawing air. His vision slid and blackened, and all he could think was that he was glad to die so he could stop seeing the pity and scorn on his love's face. His eyes continued to lose focus and for a strange moment, he thought he saw _her_ above him, smiling gently down at him. Then his mind went completely black, self loathing dragging him deeper and deeper, into a void he would never escape.

                "My love," came a voice from far away. "It's ok. I'm here. Let it go, please. Come back to me."

                Then warmth. It was like someone had wrapped his very soul in a blanket warmed on the hearth.

                "Please..." he whispered, begging the warmth to stay, to never leave him.

                Then slowly light. He thought he was seeing an angel, but as his eyes cleared, it was her golden locks that came into focus, the wood of his cabin, the feel of his sheets on his naked skin, and the sensation of her wiping the warm rag over his abused arm.

                She watched him fully open his eyes, before gently leaning forward to place another kiss to his immobile lips. "There you are," she whispered.

                For a long moment, he just stared at her beauty , before he managed to find a way to move his mouth. "Please, I need..." He wasn't sure what he needed, but she gave him a small smile as she nodded.

                "Close your eyes, my love," she murmured.

                But he was afraid, he didn't want to return to that darkness, that if he closed his eyes, he would not find the light again.

                But she just brought a hand up to his cheek again, pressing into him so he could turn slightly into her palm to savor the contact. "I will be here," she whispered. "Trust me."

                And as she spoke, a wave of relaxation spread out from her palm into his face and down his body, making his eyes roll and his eyes flutter shut in response to the sensation. And once they were closed, the darkness was comforting rather than consuming, so he just left them closed.

                Then he found himself falling again, but not into darkness, but into sensation.

                He felt her gently wipe the warm rag across his sweat soaked and ruined skin, seeming to wipe away the memory of the pain along with the grime, leaving nothing but cleanliness in its wake.  He felt her continue to wipe down his arm and then up across his chest, before slowly dragging the warm rag down his torso, cleansing him. The water that was left behind should have chilled him, but it was as if there was no moisture on his skin. All that was left was a clean warmth as she finished washing him. The he felt her shift back up the bed and put the rag aside before her fingers were once again on his skin.

                 Her careful hands started at his chest, kneading warmth deep into his body, caressing his very soul with her touch. Then she slowly moved outward to his shoulder, and the ache and sting from the day's labor seemed to slowly bleed away, and he felt a groan of relief slip from his lips.  A moment later, he felt her lips press where he hands had just been working and he felt his whole body twitch as a deep spike of peace drove deep into his body. Then her hands continued their work down his arm, kneading and caressing, followed by a kiss that had him jerking with sensation every time it landed. He was swimming in feeling and darkness, but he was aware enough to feel a flicker of worry as her hands approached his stump, the deeply ingrained self consciousness fighting against the spell she seemed to be weaving over him.

                But it vanished in the wake of her hands unfalteringly finding his scared wrist and giving it the same loving devotion she gave the rest of him. And as he felt her lips press gently to the end of his arm, he felt tears well up and spill from behind his closed eyes. All vestiges of the whispers from the darkness were silenced in the face of the love he could feel flowing into him from where her lips met his scar.

                He felt her lips return to his chest and whisper silent secrets into his collarbone,  then following her fingers down his other arm. He felt like she was stitching his soul back into him. What he had thought he had long since lost, she had found, and touch by kiss, was slipping it back into place. With a final kiss to his palm, she returned to place a kiss to his heart and he let out a groaning sigh as he felt the ache in his chest begin to fill. Then her lips began to wander down his body, pressing warmth and heat into him, until he lost all grip on reality and felt as if she was touching him both inside and out.

                By the time she had worked her way down his chest, then back up each leg, he was trembling, unable to hold back tears at the intensity of sensation that was claiming his body. He felt like his very soul was glowing, and when he felt her begin to caress his manhood, it simply finished lighting his body on fire. His hips began to react to her touch, but the rest of his body remained still, and he felt like every pore and nerve on his body was emitting light.

                When her hand left him, for just a moment, his haze was broken, but a moment later, he felt her settle gently onto him, her weight on his hips and legs feeling like an anchor to safety and his peaceful fire returned. Her hands planted themselves gently on his chest again, and he felt he same warmth sink deeply into him, so that he felt as if his very soul was making love to hers.

                She continued to glide gently above him, in a rhythm that matched the pulse of wholeness that pervaded his being.  As she continued, he felt the light in his soul brighten, dispelling the dark that had tainted his thoughts during the course of the day, clearing his mind and settling his heart. The light grew brighter and brighter, soothing away his pain, until he thought he might melt away completely into the sense of peace.

                Then he felt her lips press gently to his chest, right above his heart, and suddenly the void in heart filled and overflowed, his whole being clicking into place and the last of the darkness vanishing as he felt a screaming sob rip from his mouth. His whole reality was only his body, suddenly blazing in the void of existence, feeling all of time and space unwind around him even as he was threaded back together into completeness. It was cleansing in the deepest most integral way, and as the sensation of burning slowly faded to a soothing heat, he became aware of his own racking sobs as the gratitude and love for her overwhelmed him.

                But she just soothed him, murmuring words he couldn't quite understand into his lips and combing her fingers through his hair. Her soft weight above him anchored him as his mind slowly returned from the experience he had just been through, and after a while, she shifted, pulling his limp form with her until she was resting on her back with his arm flung over her and his face resting in her neck. She cradled his head and body to her like she was holding something truly precious.

                 And she just let him cry, the tears that had long since been due to fall finally forcing their way into existence under the loving guidance her hand rubbing his back and her fingers carding through his hair. Slowly his sobs faded and his breathing deepened, his whole body still, the ache of the shadows of his ship gone, and he felt the darkness call to him and in her comforting embrace, kept warm by her love, he answered. And he slept.


End file.
